Both my abusive sister Joan and my exBFF (FJM) are narcissists - everything is all about them. Challenge them at your peril! When I got tired of being their doormat - when I stood up for myself to them (at different times), they each couldn't accept it. They flew off the handle - they refused to respect my boundaries.
My sister wouldn't ever explain what made her angry - she just reacted badly. The exBFF reacted badly and explain "I get offended very easily." (but it was always ok for her to offend other people).
Narcissists and bullies are very fond of using the DARVO syndrome: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim-Offender. They pull shit, their victim stands up for themselves, the narcissist gets 'offended' then lashes out, screaming it was they who were offended, victimized, thrown to the curb. They don't see (or refuse to see) that their behavior, their lack of respect, is what caused the problem in the first place.
In the case of the exBFF, it goes much deeper - she experienced some very harsh blows in life. And I get that. I truly do. It wasn't fair that those things happened to her. But in her anger at the world, she decided to turn around and hurt others. THAT is not fair to other people who had nothing to do with happened to her, and especially to the people that were trying to help her. Just because someone is hurt in life, does not give them the right to turn around and hurt others - innocent others.
She also made a lot of bad decisions in life. Constantly running after married/unavailable men, and actually getting into fistfights with the man's wife/significant other.
I cannot be around such people and substance abusers - I cannot follow their thought patterns. During the year 2010, I would get long rambling non-sensical
messages on private Facebook messages. I couldn't make heads or tails of them. There was one about she wanted to add me to her phone plan and screen all my calls for me! Something about people needed to reach me 24/7 and she would screen the calls. I didn't understand what it was all about. I'm an adult, I have a job, I own my home, I have a husband, I have a telephone and an answering machine, I've had a phone in my name since 1974 - why would I need someone who didn't live in my house to screen all my calls? When I messaged her back asking for an explanation, (and telling her what I just said here), she responded: "you're taking this too personally." (yes, just go ahead and dismiss me, as narcissists do when questioned).
And once during a public conversation I was having with 4 of my cousins on facebook, the exBFF left a comment telling us all to "shut up - this is
all bullshit." (how I wish I made a screenshot of that one).
I immediately unfriended her on facebook. We had a regular email exchange in November 2010 about it. I explained why I unfriended her. Several months later, late one night, she phoned my house and got my answering machine and angrily asked "Why'd you take me off your facebook?"
Number 1, I'm an adult - I will remove anybody from my facebook as I see fit.
Number 2, we had already gone over that in our email exchange some months earlier.
I could not, cannot, and will not deal with that kind of stuff. I can't change any other person's behavior. What I can change is how I react to that behavior. If that behavior is abusive to me - I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. If I am having a conversation with my own kin, NO ONE has the right to butt in and tell me (and them) to shut up and what we are talking about is bullshit.
I stopped accepting being someone's doormat years ago. I will not allow anyone to wipe their boots on me. 10 years ago, I threw the doormat
out in the trash. I will not accept it back into my life.
You know, going back to what she told me on Instagram the other day: "I am sorry for not understanding you, when you thought I should have." -- which is another nonsensical sentence on the surface. But in really examining it - she never really did understand me. I don't know if she thought I was a child, or what. I know at one point, she made a comment to me - that I was 'black-oriented' like her. Uh, no. I am a white woman, married to a black man. I am oriented to ME. I did not change my personality when I was married to a Yemeni man, and I did not change my personality when I married a black man. I like some black actors, singers, musicians, just like my husband likes some white artists.
Anyways, enough of this long-winded blog post - I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my sister. I'm tired of the exBFF. They are both in the past. I do not look behind me - I look forward to the good in life that I am finding everyday. I refuse to be dragged down into other people's drama.
When she contacted me on Instagram recently, trying to worm her way into my life again, she wrote - "Ruth and Francine FOREVER. To which I say: Ruth and Francine NEVER!
for more on this topic, see the following posts - click on the titles.
I have peace - why would I want a disruptive person in my life again? March 15, 2022
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