Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to dump on others who did nothing to you.

Both Joan/Doris and the exBFF underwent trauma/hurts. I get it. When the exBFF was hurt - I was one of the few who stood by her side. What did I get in return? Lies, disrespect. THEFT (stole pain pills from my bathroom cabinet). 

Joan/Doris' blog and her libelous book lists her numerous hurts - some real, some exaggerated, some fabricated.

Both these women chose to go out of their way to hurt me. Both of them chose to call my job with lies to get me fired. Each time a call was made to my employer, they checked it out and determined the calls were made to slander me. They checked out my performance on my job and found the calls to be false. They knew I wasn't doing what the lies said.

And that is why - no matter what they try to say or justify what they did - neither of them will be in my life again. 

 

Burning Bridges Can Be Beautiful

The version of me that tolerated bullshit just because she was my 'sister' or the other she - because she used to be my best friend.

My life is so calm since The Nameless One and the exBFF are out of my life.

 

Even good people get tired of doing good for ungrateful people.

 

I was supportive to the exBFF for years. Went out of my way to help her. Used tons of MY time, and even some of my sick time from my job to help her.

She started being a pain in the ass. Little things at first. Then 3 incidents occurred.

1. Her car was in my name for her to get cheap insurance. I didn't have a car. She dropped the payment off in person one day - handed it to me and ran. A friend of hers was in the car and they took off. I had to take 2 buses to the credit union downtown behind City Hall to put the cash in my account to cover HER bill.

2. She had stolen some of my pain pills.

3. In a drunken phone call she let it out that her son's car was in her boyfriend's name. I called her a few days later and ascertained she was sober. I then reamed her out. I brought up how she couldn't be adult enough to pay the dam bill to keep MY name and credit clean. And if her son's car was in her boyfriend's name, HER car can be too.

I told her she had 30 days to get the car out of my name, or I would go to DMV and cancel the registration. She got the car out of my name in less than a week.

She had more problems after that. Health problems. I saw her at a funeral, and she had trouble walking. I did see her stumble a bit, her left foot dragging.

I DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.

And years later, when she contacted me on instagram, saying she missed me and wanted to be friends again - I sent her packing.

Because even good people get tired of doing good for ungrateful people.

When a narcissist realizes they have lost control over you - how the exBFF reacted when I told her to go away

This meme is absolutely true. Why do I agree with it? Well, I have to lay out a timeline of a events first. 

In 2005, after I hand-delivered her to detox (at her request), she did go into counseling. She asked for some space, which I gave her. She called me several weeks later to tell me of the progress she was making in counseling. Telling me things she learned, then proceeded to apply what she learned to me. By that I mean, she started psycho-analyzing me, telling me of my faults and why I was faulted. (my love of chocolate).That did not sit well with me. I am a grown woman and can (and have in the past) recognized when I need help.

She also called me one day, drunk, talking nonsense. I was livid. When I took her to counseling, I had actually stayed at her house the night before and was with her most of the next day. I had called in sick to my job that night, and now I was going without sleep (I worked the night shift). I used up MY sick time, and almost 24 hours of MY time to help her, and now, after counseling, she's drunk and high again. I gave up. So I didn't return any of her phone calls.

I ran into her at a store in September 2010, and I went to her house and had a good talk with her. She told me she recognized how she had driven away her friends with her substance abuse and wanted to fix things. 

But just 2 months later -- I was on a three-way email conversation with my two older sisters. A question had come up about social services and we were unclear about the difference between Social Security Supplemental Income and Social Security Disability and Social Services (welfare, food stamps etc). I said, "you know who might know, would be K. (my niece) and F. (the exBFF). (because both had been on 'welfare' in the past. It was not a condemnation of either of them, simply a matter that since they had been on welfare, they know the what the terms mean. So I forwarded the email exchanged to both.

F. the exBFF fired off a nasty email to me - she was insulted! She said she was not a welfare queen and lived a good life (in public housing with rental assistance, which is a form of social help, so...?) 

I emailed her back, I told her she was over-reacting, I included her in the now 5 way email exchange because I thought of her as 'family' - but now I was done with her. She had also expressed anger because I had removed her from my facebook. - yes, I did, because when I got her email, I said to myself, "this isn't going to work. I've reunited with her for 2 months, and here we go again." I explained why I removed her from my facebook and told her I wanted nothing to do with her. 

Two months later, in January 2011, the day after my father's funeral, she called me on the phone to 'express sympathy.' She read about it in the newspaper. I did not call her to tell her about it - because at the time, I had cut her out of my life.

On the phone, she started yelling, and trashed my father. THE DAY AFTER WE BURIED HIM, SHE'S TRASHING HIM! I hung up. 

My memory is unclear if she tried to call me during 2011 - I was grieving and going through other things. But (and I don't recall the date right now, but it was around October 2011) that my phone rang one Saturday night about midnight. I was off from work and working on my computer - I checked my caller ID - it was F. I didn't pick up the phone - and she began recording her message - she was angry. "Why'd you take me off your facebook?" - um, 1. I'm a grown woman, I will remove someone from my facebook any damn time I please. 2. We already discussed this in the email exchange in November 2010. I did not pick up the phone, and she called 5 more times. 

But what I did was to change the 'greeting' on my answering machine - leaving her a message and I told her to stop calling me, I will report her to the phone company. And to leave me alone. 

The following day, Sunday, she called my job and finagled her way into finding out my immediate supervisor's name. AND CALLED THAT SUPERVISOR THE FOLLOWING DAY! (Monday). And reported that I was accessing her medical records on hospital computers. Trying to get me fired. I was investigated and found innocent. (they can track every keystroke I did). Meanwhile I called the phone company, reported her and changed my phone number. 

So to quote the meme: THE NARCISSIST FEELS ANGER BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TO SET A BOUNDARY. 

Read the meme - read it very carefully - because that is EXACTLY what she did. I refused to pick up the phone, I left her a message telling me to leave me alone and I was reporting her to the phone company - so she retaliated. 

After I found out she called my job, I sent her a letter of intervention, and no contact. I told her point blank why I felt the way I did, that she needed to fix her life and leave me alone. I listed her weak points and told her to get back into counseling. She needed to work on herself and stop bothering me. I did what a true friend does - she engages in certain behaviors that are harmful to herself and well-being. And I listed them and why they were harmful to her. She couldn't handle it. She says she 'gets offended very easily.' Oh, but she can call ME and list MY faults and tell me that I have an addiction (chocolate). Sorry toots, my love of chocolate does not end up with me in fist fights. While her behaviors did. 

Well, she went full-out-of-control and filed harassment charges on me. We ended up in court, where while we were waiting for the judge to arrive, she was yelling at the DA assistant handling her case. (she had left a nasty message on facebook, and when I responded, she tried to tell the DA that I had contacted her). I heard the DA tell her loudly "SHE DID NOT CONTACT YOU." She was yelling, the bailiff told her to leave. As she walked past me where I sat nearest the aisle, she said to me in a very low voice "I will beat your ass." I immediately raised my hand to the bailiff and said loudly "Excuse me, she just threatened me."

The bailiffs jumped into action, she started running out of the courtroom, they got her by the door and she started yelling. It was a circus. She was OUT OF CONTROL! They actually put her in a separate room down the hall. But she could be heard screaming all over the place. (I’m surprised she didn’t bust a blood vessel). 

A few minutes later, my lawyer arrived. He said he heard the yelling as he got off the elevator. She did not appear in the court room again. She was told to stay home for my next appearance, where the asshole judge, a known sympathizer to substance abusers, sentenced me to a one year restraining order against F. 

It was unfair. However, I didn't care. It meant that I finally got her out of my life - because if I couldn't contact her, she couldn't contact me either. Well, actually she was not prevented from contacting me, but she would look awfully stupid if she did). So thank you anyway judge - You did what I could not - GOT HER OUT OF MY LIFE. For 7 years - since 2005, (except for the 2 months in 2010) I wanted her GONE. And now - she was. 

And with her latest contact to me - in March of 2022 - her contacting me on Instagram that she wants to be my friend again 10 years after the crap she did to me -- I told her in no uncertain terms NO. she had given me her phone number on instagram - which I called and left her a voice mail. 

I reminded her - that she got a restraining order against me 10 years ago - and she contacted me this time. I told her - "don't try to file charges on me again - YOU contacted me. And you're going to look awfully silly in the DA's office - you got a restraining order on someone, and now YOU'RE contacting them?" 

So well, yeah, she IS powerless over me now. I HAVE THE POWER NOW.

Is she feeling anger? Shame? Worthless? Powerless? I don't know. I don't care.

Whatever the fuck she's feeling - it's not my concern. She is dead to me. Fuck her.

 

Once a snake, always a snake - Joan/Doris and Fran: snakes.

 

In 2012, Francine called my job to get me fired. She claimed I was violating HPPA by looking up her medical records.

1. My sign on information - my password - got me only to a certain portion of the hospital computer system - only that portion that allowed me to chart patient’s vital signs, outputs, their ADLs (activities of daily living) and the tasks that I performed (doing my job).
I had access to ONLY the patients that I was assigned to. The charge nurse, who made out my assignment had to go in, select those patients, and assign my name to them.
Sometimes I would see on the grease board my assignment (Rooms 1 to 10, for example). I would see Mr. So and So is in room 2. I took him to the bathroom. I go to check off that I took him to the bathroom, but the charge nurse hadn’t assigned my name to him yet, so I COULD NOT ACCESS HIS CHART TO PUT IN THE INFORMATION.
As soon as she assigned my name in the computer to that patient, then and only then, could I access his chart to do my documentation.
Also the patient’s chart that I could access ONLY had the areas that the hospital deemed that I, as a nurse aide/PCA, needed to do my job. Other people had access to more of the patient chart, as per what their job function was.
If Francine was NOT on my assigned patient list (and she never was), THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD ACCESS HER MEDICAL RECORDS.

2. My employer’s  COMPUTER SECURITY TEAM TRACKED EVERY KEYSTROKE I PERFORMED.

3. When she called the hospital - they investigated and found me innocent - because of all of the above.

4. Francine herself worked at another hospital for a couple of years. She knows these things - she herself got fired because she violated HPPA - she knows how hospitals work, and how their computer security systems work. So her calling my employer was an out and out LIE - and trying to get me fired, so I could lose my source of income.

Joan Wheeler/Doris Sippel also would call my job with lies to get me fired. And again, I was investigated, and found innocent - again for the same reasons above. 

Both Joan/Doris and Francine are snakes. They have both been out of my life for 10 years now - and they will remain OUT of my life. Because I do not trust them. I know them too well.

Francine contacted me on Instagram a few months ago, wanting back into my life.
OH HELL NO.

Joan/Doris is old news, irrelevant, boring.

 a post I made on facebook earlier this evening.

 my facebook intro:

A few years ago, my sister Gert made a facebook page called "Duped by adoption & An Adopted Woman's Struggle For Identity; a book study" -- it was to replace our old Wordpress blogs. The other day, Gert made the decision to delete the page, as we no longer have a use for it. I wrote the following post a little while ago.

Despite my finding the other day that about 6 months ago Joan/Doris got called out on facebook for busting up a marriage, the time has come to put her where she belongs: away from us.

The Notice:

Notice from Ruth Sippel Pace

this page is in the process of being deleted.

Joan Mary Wheeler aka Doris Michol Sippel is irrelevant.

When her book was published in 2009, we had blogs to refute every damn lie that was in her wretched book. Those blogs were taken down by a series of trumped up complaints by Joan and one of her cronies. Doesn't matter - because we accomplished what we set out to do: get that book pulled from publication.

In the book, Joan/Doris twisted several stories regarding me and her - specifically in our court proceedings about harassment. In the book she says this and that -- I submitted the actual court documents to the publisher of her book. They reviewed everything and pulled the book from publication. 

When Joan/Doris signed a contract with them, she stated her book was non-fiction and everything in it was true and factual. When I presented the proof that she lied about me in the book - the publisher's legal team ruled that she violated her contract. 

Years ago, Joan/Doris had 3 fantasies. 

1. that her book would be a million dollar best-seller

2. her book would be made into a blockbuster Hollywood movie

3. because of those two 'successes', she would be in demand as a top speaker at adoption conferences all over the world.

When her book was pulled from publication, all three of her fantasies came crashing down on her. 

Joan/Doris and others like her describe themselves as 'angry adoptees' - those that are so pissed that they were adopted they can't see reason - in regards to anything. When I had my main blog up and running, and I would relate an action of harassment by Joan/Doris against me (like stealing money from me) - her 'angry adoptee' friends would come running and leave obscene comments on my page, and accuse me of not respecting Joan/Doris. 

I countered - if a person steals from me, and I outed them, you would say "You go girl. Don't let them walk all over you." But if that person happens to be an adoptee, you think I'm wrong for NOT letting them walk all over me. This is what I mean that these angry adoptees can not and will not see reason. They were adopted. They were wronged. Therefore the world owes them everything. The world should not be angry at them when they misbehave. They think that anyone who disagrees with them should be treated like dirt. BULLSHIT. 

So all this happened more than 10 years ago. What has changed? The adoptees that DO see reason, that DO object to people treating others like dirt, have distanced themselves from Joan/Doris. 

She struggles to get any books published. I don't know what else she does as I don't care about her. She has been neutralized. She has actually finally done what I started to accomplish back in October 2009, in answering a comment she put out on a national news website about adoption. --That she refrains from putting out information about us, her birth sisters. 

I had repeatedly said all over the internet - all Joan/Doris has to say is, "I was given up for adoption when my mother died and my father had child care issues. When I turned 18, I was found by my older siblings. We had a nice reunion, but then things turned sour. I do not associate with my birth sisters. " And for the past few years, that is essentially what she has been doing - maybe not in those same words. 

I myself do have a blog via Google's Blogger, that I had intended to replace my main blog from Wordpress. I was thinking about copying and pasting old blogposts here and there, but frankly, since I've retired, I got better things to do. And so does Gert, who had started this page also as a replacement for her old Wordpress blog. 

I will continue to keep my Google Blooger blog, in case Joan/Doris starts her shit again. But really, there's nothing she can do to me now. In the past, she liked to call my job with lies - trying to get me fired. Ha.! I'm retired now, I took away her favorite toy. 

Joan/Doris is old news, irrelevant, boring. And as I said above, we did what we set out to do: get that book that was full of lies about me pulled from publication. She did make two more editions of it, changing things around - making two more versions of 'the truth' - and how can there be more versions of a truth? I'm not talking about personal perceptions, but actual FACTS. She can't say she had an order of protection against me for the duration of one year, when the actual court document reads SIX MONTHS.

Facts are facts. Lies are Lies. She got caught in her lies, and the publisher saw the lies, and saw the factual court document and pulled the book. 

So, she self-published it and hawks it on amazon. She's not making any millions from it. Not many people are buying it. And those that do - if they can't see beyond the crap she wrote about me - her own admission to being a child abuser and an alcoholic, and a bar-hopping tramp - well if they like that kind of story-telling, they are as bad as she is. 

And with that, Gert and I bid you all a fond farewell.

We have peace and joy in our lives. I doubt that Joan/Doris does. We don't really care. And we hope anyone reading this has peace and joy in your lives as well.

Live Long and Prosper.

ps    oh, by the way, in deleting stuff from the facebook page, I came across this post that I made in 2015.

It is interesting that the other day, a troll came here and tried to shut us up. But on her own facebook page she put up a meme and left this comment: "Never let people bully you into not telling your story."
But that was exactly what that troll was trying to do to us - BULLY us into silence. And while the troll was busy admonishing us and telling us to behave, the troll stooped to calling us names. (how childish).

I did engage in a conversation with the troll - but will not do so in the future. All trolls will be dealt with swiftly. If you want to engage in an adult conversation, fine, but bullying and name-calling will not be tolerated.

Getting back to the present: in regards to bullying trolls -- this is exactly why comments have been turned off on this blog that you are reading now.

I don't have to take anyone's shit. 

I no longer allow people to cause chaos in my life.

 

Read this well Francine and Doris/Joan - you have both been out of my life since 2012.
I refuse to let either one of you drama queens and your fucked up chaotic selves into my serene life.

I don’t care how much whining you do Francine, ("life is short, I hope to see you before I leave this world") - you should have thought of that before you kicked me in the teeth. And you come whining in March 2022 that you want to be in my life.
Fuck off.

I do not want certain people around me.

 

THIS.
This is why I tried to distance myself from both Doris/Joan and the exBFF.
And the narcissists that they are weren’t having it.
Both decided to ‘punish’ me.
Both had always used me as a doormat - and when I pulled that doormat out, they weren’t going to have it.

It took a few years and some serious blows, but I finally got the exBFF out of my life. That was 10 years ago. I have been very happy the past 10 years. Even Doris/Joan has finally stopped her crap.

I don’t know if she ever stopped her stupid calling my job trying to get me fired. The last time I was called down to Human Resources they told me they had investigated me for the ‘computer fraud’ that Doris/Joan told them I was doing - and they found me innocent. (they can track every key-stroke I did).

At that meeting, I told them, “you know I’m innocent. I’ve been working here for many years, you know what kind of worker I am. You know my reputation. You know that Joan Wheeler aka Doris Michol Sippel has been harassing and stalking me for years - and calling you since 1995 with stupid false accusations - you have investigated those false claims and have found me innocent. Frankly, I don’t want to hear it anymore. She calls again, YOU call your legal team and handle her. I’ve had her in court several times, but they won’t do a damn thing because she’s related to me. I just want to be left alone to do my job.”

And when the exBFF tried that nonsense as well to ‘punish’ me for removing her from my facebook (how childish) - and I was called down to HR again, (after having been investigated and found innocent), I told them the same thing. I told them if they get any more bullshit calls and they investigate me, and find me innocent, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I told them to get their legal team on it.

Were any more calls made by either the exBFF or Joan/Doris? I don’t know. If they did call, I wasn’t told.

That was all back in 2012 and 2013. I retired in 2015. My husband had retired a few years before me. We are now enjoying our retirement.

The meme says "My whole mindset has changed. I don't have the energy to do certain things or be around certain people anymore. I'm at the point in my life now where if something feels like it's draining my energy or fighting with my peace of mind, I'm not dealing with it, at all. I'll walk away from that shit in a heartbeat."

The only reason I’m spending energy relating these things here on my blog, is to get these things off my chest. And I know these two abusers (Joan/Doris, the exBFF) are such whiny losers, narcissists and abusers, they won’t accept that I DON’T WANT THEM AROUND ME.

Proof: Just a few months ago, March 2022, the exBFF contacted me on Instagram, wanting to be my friend again. (see recent older posts on this blog). Her message to me included her phone number which I called and left a voicemail telling her in no uncertain terms that I want nothing to do with her EVER!

The last line of the meme: “I'll walk away from that shit in a heartbeat.”

STAY AWAY FROM ME FRANCINE - YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE.

On the subject of “amateur psychoanalysis”

 

A facebook acquaintance wrote the following:

"Several decades ago, I learned very quickly that amateur psychoanalysis was one of the single-stupidest ways to interact with anyone.

Nobody likes it. I don't. I don't know anybody who does. It's a violation of personal space. And it's about as useful as a burlap condom. It doesn't work. It doesn't produce any useful result -- only annoyance, anger, and confusion.

First of all, most people are simply NOT QUALIFIED to engage in that kind of psychobabble bullshit. You learn a few terms, it still doesn't make you a master in the field."

I was reminded of an unsettling experience I had with the exBFF back in 2005. 

'amateur psychoanalysis' - I think we've all done it to some degree to try to explain other people's behavior. I think a lot of us have done that the past few years - trying to understand why the Mango Manbaby is the way he is (narcissism), and to try to understand society's woes (racism, violence, etc). 

But when it comes to being an 'armchair psychoanalyst' to others and then vocalizing your 'results' to their face - that's a definite no-no. It's even worse when you do it to someone you know, and worse still, when you do it to a friend. 

Back in 2005 I was finally able to get the exBFF into detox (at her request, then her balking against it). She began going to counseling. I told her she was doing the right thing. She requested some 'space' so she could digest what she was learning. I understood and gave her that space. 

She called me up a few weeks later to tell me of her progress. She starts telling me what she learned about addiction - then proceeded to tell me that I too was suffering from addiction. Actually, she said that everyone suffers from some sort of addiction - smoking, overeating, etc. Then she told me my love of sweets was my addiction.

I immediately starting feeling uneasy. The next few minutes, she proceeded to psychoanalyze me, and my love of Reese Cups. My uneasiness grew to anger. I felt insulted.

I'm a grown woman. At that time (2005), I was still gainfully employed. (I was employed continuously from 1971 to 2015 - when I retired with a damn good pension). In 2005, I was making mortgage payments (mortgage paid off entirely in 2022) and the upkeep of the house (with my husband). I had gained weight, yes - but it was due to the onset of menopause, not because I stuffed myself with Reese Cups everyday. 

There were times in my adult life, I recognized the need for myself to seek counseling, which I did. I have also read many 'self-help' books, and even a couple of psychology books. I had an unsettled childhood, I know some of that has manifested into what 'makes me tick' as an adult. 

What I didn't need back in 2005, nor do I need now - is someone who is going to counseling, taking what they learn in the afternoons, going home in the evenings, and instead of applying it to themselves, apply it to other people - or ME.

If I want to know why I like to eat a Reese Cup, I am quite capable of doing it on my own. 

ps. My 'addiction' to Reese Cups (or KlonDike bars) has never spurred me onto to stealing from my friends, or engaging in anti-social behavior.
And any psycho-analyzing I've done on Joan/Doris is justified because of the way she slandered me in her book, her blog, and various places on the internet. If she didn't want me to 'armchair psychoanalyze' her, she should have left me alone.

The one in the middle - about not apologizing - well, sometimes they do apologize - but in a way that you know they don't mean it.

To them, an apology is not about any kind of regret of what they did, but rather it is simply words carefully said in order to manipulate you into 'forgiving' them and enabling them to keep shitting on you. 

When the exBFF contacted me on instagram recently, she rendered one of those haphazard 'apologies; - saying she was sorry for 'not understanding me the way I thought she should have.' 

read that again. She basically turned her apology around to put it all on ME. That it was MY fault that she didn't understand me! What fucking nerve!

And no where was there an apology or acknowledgement of the shit she did to me 2010-2012. She assumed she could manipulate me into forgiving her and let her back into my life - she even left me her phone number! Which I called and left her a voicemail letting her know in no uncertain terms that I wanted nothing to do with her.

 

Because you never knew me at all.....

In the exBFF’s half-assed apology (“I'm sorry for not understanding you, when you thought I should have”) she admits she didn’t understand me. She didn’t WANT to understand me. As a narcissist, it was all about HER anyway.

Both the exBFF and Joan Wheeler (aka Doris Sippel) never took the time to ‘know’ me.

They didn't care, either. They just wanted someone they could slap a "target" label on, and pelt repeatedly with their own projected insecurities.

Well, they are both out of my life now (good riddance) - and I will never let them back in. I’m done being their doormat. They will never wipe their boots on me again.

 When she contacted me on Instagram recently, trying to worm her way into my life again, she wrote - "Ruth and Francine FOREVER. To which I say: Ruth and Francine NEVER!

 

 

I deserve good company -- narcissists, users and abusers, troublemakers, people who thrive on chaos and drama - are not welcome in my life.

 Found this on facebook. 

"I deserve good company. If someone is consistently irksome, annoying, or a general bore, I am not required to keep their company, online or off. Kindness does not require the sacrifice of the few, precious opportunities for good fellowship to spare the feelings of jackanapes who are making no effort to spare mine." 

This is excellent. I need to just add -- "a narcissist who previously used and abused me." after 'general bore.' 

I am still baffled at the sheer arrogance of my exBFF who 10 years ago did some rotten things to me. We've had no contact for 10 years, then about a week ago, she contacts me on Instagram - she 'misses' me and wants to rekindle our past friendship. (see the next three posts for details).

Not a chance. I have serenity in my life now - I don't need a person who thrives on chaos and drama in my life.

 When she contacted me on Instagram recently, trying to worm her way into my life again, she wrote - "Ruth and Francine FOREVER. To which I say: Ruth and Francine NEVER!

for more on this topic, see the following posts (click on the title).

I used to 'accept' things that I couldn't change. Or rather I used to think I COULDN'T change things. March 16, 2022

I have peace - why would I want a disruptive person in my life again? March 15, 2022

To My exBFF - March 14, 2022

I used to 'accept' things that I couldn't change. Or rather I used to think I COULDN'T change things.

Both my abusive sister Joan and my exBFF (FJM) are narcissists - everything is all about them. Challenge them at your peril! When I got tired of being their doormat - when I stood up for myself to them (at different times), they each couldn't accept it. They flew off the handle - they refused to respect my boundaries.

My sister wouldn't ever explain what made her angry - she just reacted badly. The exBFF reacted badly and explain "I get offended very easily." (but it was always ok for her to offend other people).

Narcissists and bullies are very fond of using the DARVO syndrome: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim-Offender. They pull shit, their victim stands up for themselves, the narcissist gets 'offended' then lashes out, screaming it was they who were offended, victimized, thrown to the curb. They don't see (or refuse to see) that their behavior, their lack of respect, is what caused the problem in the first place. 

In the case of the exBFF, it goes much deeper - she experienced some very harsh blows in life. And I get that. I truly do. It wasn't fair that those things happened to her. But in her anger at the world, she decided to turn around and hurt others. THAT is not fair to other people who had nothing to do with happened to her, and especially to the people that were trying to help her. Just because someone is hurt in life, does not give them the right to turn around and hurt others - innocent others. 

She also made a lot of bad decisions in life. Constantly running after married/unavailable men, and actually getting into fistfights with the man's wife/significant other. 

I cannot be around such people and substance abusers - I cannot follow their thought patterns. During the year 2010, I would get long rambling non-sensical messages on private Facebook messages. I couldn't make heads or tails of them. There was one about she wanted to add me to her phone plan and screen all my calls for me! Something about people needed to reach me 24/7 and she would screen the calls. I didn't understand what it was all about. I'm an adult, I have a job, I own my home, I have a husband, I have a telephone and an answering machine, I've had a phone in my name since 1974 - why would I need someone who didn't live in my house to screen all my calls? When I messaged her back asking for an explanation, (and telling her what I just said here), she responded: "you're taking this too personally." (yes, just go ahead and dismiss me, as narcissists do when questioned).

And once during a public conversation I was having with 4 of my cousins on facebook, the exBFF left a comment telling us all to "shut up - this is all bullshit." (how I wish I made a screenshot of that one). 

I immediately unfriended her on facebook. We had a regular email exchange in November 2010 about it. I explained why I unfriended her. Several months later, late one night, she phoned my house and got my answering machine and angrily asked "Why'd you take me off your facebook?" 

Number 1, I'm an adult - I will remove anybody from my facebook as I see fit.

Number 2, we had already gone over that in our email exchange some months earlier. 

I could not, cannot, and will not deal with that kind of stuff. I can't change any other person's behavior. What I can change is how I react to that behavior. If that behavior is abusive to me - I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. If I am having a conversation with my own kin, NO ONE has the right to butt in and tell me (and them) to shut up and what we are talking about is bullshit. 

I stopped accepting being someone's doormat years ago. I will not allow anyone to wipe their boots on me. 10 years ago, I threw the doormat out in the trash. I will not accept it back into my life.

You know, going back to what she told me on Instagram the other day: "I am sorry for not understanding you, when you thought I should have." -- which is another nonsensical sentence on the surface. But in really examining it - she never really did understand me. I don't know if she thought I was a child, or what. I know at one point, she made a comment to me - that I was 'black-oriented' like her. Uh, no. I am a white woman, married to a black man. I am oriented to ME. I did not change my personality when I was married to a Yemeni man, and I did not change my personality when I married a black man. I like some black actors, singers, musicians, just like my husband likes some white artists. 

Anyways, enough of this long-winded blog post - I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my sister. I'm tired of the exBFF. They are both in the past. I do not look behind me - I look forward to the good in life that I am finding everyday. I refuse to be dragged down into other people's drama.

 When she contacted me on Instagram recently, trying to worm her way into my life again, she wrote - "Ruth and Francine FOREVER. To which I say: Ruth and Francine NEVER!

for more on this topic, see the following posts - click on the titles.

I deserve good company -- narcissists, users and abusers, troublemakers, people who thrive on chaos and drama - are not welcome in my life. March 21, 2022

I have peace - why would I want a disruptive person in my life again? March 15, 2022

To My exBFF - March 14, 2022 

I have peace - why would I want a disruptive person in my life again?

  

I have these things. I have Peace in my soul. I have Peace (and quiet) in my life. I will NOT let an abusive narcissist from my past re-enter my life and destroy my serenity. She who thrives on chaos, I crave quiet and have it. I want no part of her. She is banished. She is 'old news.' She is left by the wayside. If she thinks that I have thought she didn't understand me, what she needs to 'understand' right now - is that I do not want her in my life ever! If she has trouble 'understanding' that - that is her problem, not mine. 

The title of this blog post, "I have peace - why would I want a disruptive person in my life again?" is just what it says. The exBFF (FJM) loves to start fights, loves the drama of fighting, arguing. I do not. I am retired now, will be 70 in a few months - my life is serene, quiet, my husband and I are in our golden retired years, we enjoy our life. We enjoy gardening, I enjoy my crafting, writing, reading, listening to music, working on my family tree with my cousin, trying to find the time to study my Latin.  

I thought when I retired, I'd have time to study my Latin - but there isn't enough hours in the day for me to do the things I want to. I simply do not have the time for disruptive, disrespectful people. Especially those who have been tossed out of my life before. There's a reason they were tossed out - I believe in recycling - Mother Earth Gaia must be protected and all resources should be recycled - but bad human relationships? Nope, not a chance.

Remember the old adage - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
I was fooled into letting this abusive person into my life again in September 2010, only to regret it two months later. This time around, I will not allow it. If anyone has a problem with the way I run MY life, that's THEIR problem - not mine.

 When she contacted me on Instagram recently, trying to worm her way into my life again, she wrote - "Ruth and Francine FOREVER. To which I say: Ruth and Francine NEVER!

for more on this topic, see the following posts - click on the titles.

I deserve good company -- narcissists, users and abusers, troublemakers, people who thrive on chaos and drama - are not welcome in my life. March 21, 2022

I used to 'accept' things that I couldn't change. Or rather I used to think I COULDN'T change things. March 16, 2022

To My exBFF - March 14, 2022

To My exBFF

 To my exBFF

This is what I received via Instagram messages on Friday, March 11, 2022  plus a notification that this person - initials FJM was 'following me' on Instagram.
This is my exBFF who 10 years took me to court for harassment after I sent her a letter of intervention - to get her to stop harassing ME. (leaving insulting messages to me on facebook, calling my job telling them I was accessing her medical records (they investigated and found me innocent). She is an actress, cried tears, she was the victim, oh boo-hoo. At one point in court - before the judge entered, she was arguing with the assistant DA assigned to her - and started swearing at him - the bailiff told her to shut up - she didn't - she got tossed out - while she passed me sitting there, she threatened me "I'll beat your ass." I immediately waved my hand at the bailiff "excuse me, she just threatened me." The bailiffs came over - she started screaming as they tossed her out. They put her in a separate room - but everyone could her screaming like a banshee.
She was out of control - to the point she was told NOT to return to court. However, the judge, being sympathetic to 'those under the influence' turned around and gave me a one year restraining order - I was to stay away from her for one year. No problem! I'd been trying to get away from her for 2 years!
So imagine my surprise when I see this on my Instagram the other day.
I answered her and told her I want nothing to do with her. She then blocked me. Fine.
I thought about it and realized, I never got a chance to say what I really wanted to say, and that's the purpose of this blog post. Because she blocked me before I got the screenshot - it comes up as "Instagram User" - that's ok. In this graphic here, I blanked out her phone number - but I have the original with the phone number intact.
I'm not falling for her boo-hooing. And I'm NOT letting her back into my life.
So now, dear exBFF - here is my response. Please read it and would you understand (this blog post) that I never wanted your 'understanding' of me (what's to understand? I'm not that complicated a person) I never said that - what I wanted was your RESPECT - which you never gave. As outlined below:

at the bottom of her message - cut off here - she wrote   "Ruth and Francine FOREVER. To which I say: Ruth and Francine NEVER!

Dear FJM
You say you ‘didn’t understand me’ as well as I thought you should. Okay, I will enlighten you.

Do you remember when I first got the red van that belonged to John’s mother? And you didn’t have a car? I let you take the van - gave you the keys - to go grocery shopping or whatever you wanted. No questions asked.

Fast forward to when that van got smacked and sat in my driveway and you got a car and it was in my name for you to have cheaper car insurance. You had a vehicle, I did not. You never took me shopping nor handed the keys to me so I could do my errands.

I gave you the payment page from the insurance company that listed the amounts due and the payment dates. A couple of months later, I asked if you had sent the payment in - you claimed you ‘lost’ the paper. (but you didn’t tell me). (o, how ‘adult’). So I said ‘just give me the money. If I’m sleeping when you drop it off, put it in an envelope and put it in the mailbox.”

One day, you came over - with a friend sitting in your car - a white lady - I don’t know who she was - you didn’t bother to introduce us. You handed me the money and took off.

So, I’ve got the cash - I’ve got to get the cash into the checking account. The next day, I took TWO BUSES downtown to my credit union behind City Hall to put the cash into my checking account. Then I wrote out a check (checks had to bought - packets of 400 cost about $10.00). --- not being petty, but I worked hard for everything I own.   I put the check in an envelope put on a stamp (stamps aren’t free). And mailed it off in time so that MY credit wouldn’t be affected. Here I am, with no car - taking TWO BUSES to take care of an insurance payment on a car that I don’t own and YOU say you don’t ‘understand?’

And then a few months later, you call me up and you were DRUNK and bitching about your boyfriend and you let slip that his car was in your son’s name. I waited a couple of days and called you up - and you were sober - and I told you what you said. And I told you that you had 30 days to get your car out of my name. You have your boyfriend’s car in your son’s name - you could put YOUR car in your son’s name as well.

So here’s to understanding: You USED me - I let you put your car in my name, but you couldn’t be adult enough to take care of the payments. You couldn't go get a money order, slap a stamp on the envelope and take care of it. And yet you would brag on the phone about this or that you bought and then end the conversation “I’m not like Joni.” Why put that in there? Because you knew you were EXACTLY like Joni. - You are both users and abusers. And you couldn't even bother to take me, your 'friend' shopping - not once! As for all your other 'friends' -- WHO was there after the incident in 1996 - ME and Melissa. Your other so-called friends dropped you. WHO hand-delivered you to de-tox (at your request)? Me. You never once thanked me. Never. I was the one who tried to get you out of the bottle, off the drugs, get you healthy - and what did I get in return? A kick in the teeth.

And that was real nice of you - trashing my father to me on the phone the day after his funeral. Saying he was wrong for doing something in 1956 - three years before you were even born. Are you of the Sippel family? How dare you criticize a parental decision he made. I was telling you of how Joan got a friend of hers to desecrate my father's funeral guest book, and all you had to say was he wrong to give her up for adoption???? 

I never disrespected you or your family when your father died. And speaking of which - the whole year of 2003, when John lost his grandfather, then his mother, then I lost my ex-husband/friend, then my cousin, then my brother -- John and I were grieving - and every other day, YOU are leaving messages on our answering machine "I miss my father." yeah, I get that - but did you EVER stop and think of the pain John and I were going through? FIVE deaths in two months time? Not once did you call and say "how are you guys doing?" Nope, true to narcissistic form - every phone call was about YOU. Never about me and John. 

And when John had his heart surgery - I told you that afternoon when I was leaving the hospital that I would be sleeping on the couch, after watching Star Trek Enterprise at 9pm - and that I didn't want to be disturbed. At 9:30pm, here you are calling, blubbering (drunk) - "I didn't know how much John meant to me until this afternoon" - uh, why were you calling AFTER I said 'don't call?'  I needed to have the phone line open in case the hospital called me about MY husband. He stopped being your concern when you broke up with him in 1983, 20 years prior. I couldn't have one damn night - worrying about my husband, without your drunken interference.

And when unknowingly, you and Joan played ‘tag team’ and both attacked me in 2012 - both of you calling my job to get me fired - I had the same lawyer and the same manager at work - and they both told me the same exact thing: “Ruth, you got to learn to stay away from crazy people.” And I told them - “I’m trying - I’ve been trying for years to get both of them out of my life.”

You didn't like it when T. called your job - what makes you think I would have been jumping in joy when you did it to me. Hence the letter I wrote you. Truths you didn't want to face and went to the extreme and put the final coffin nail in our friendship.

I got you out of my life once - in 2005 - but I made a mistake and let you back in in 2010. I won’t repeat that mistake - you are out of my life and you will NEVER be in it again.

Stop with your ridiculous little-girl bs in your message “Ruth and F  ...FOREVER” with the cutesy little hearts and flowers emoticons. We are not in 6^th grade. Grow up.

Also your whole message (again) was all about ... YOU (everything is always all about you)   “How I miss you” “My brother has died.” ”I hope to see you before I leave this life.”  And you also put that guilt trip in there: “Life is too short.” (you should have thought about that one 10 years ago when you were busy trying to destroy me, but ended up destroying our friendship).

Your half-ass apology “I'm sorry for not understanding you, when you thought I should have” was more bs - and putting it all back on me - that I, Ruth, was in the wrong for thinking you should have understood me.

I didn’t need ‘understanding’ as much as I need RESPECT - and that is something you NEVER gave me. You walked all over me - treated me like a doormat and when I spoke up you dismissed me - you left a horribly insulting message on facebook about my husband - and now, for some reason, you’re feeling sorry for yourself - and you ‘miss’ me and John.

Yes, me and John, and John's brother - the three people in this world who always had your back. And yes, you USED E. as well. He told me you were pestering him for his pain pills. (did you steal from him like you stole from me?) Yes, I'm aware you stole 3 hydrocodones from me. I used to keep the bottle in the kitchen and I got tired of you coming over and asking me for them. You would say "do you know what kind of a buzz you get when you take these with beer?" uh, no, I don't - because I take those things responsibly - I told you several times I kept them for medical emergencies - in case John and I broke a tooth or sprained an ankle and had to wait to see a doctor. Finally one day, when you were on the way over - I moved the bottle into the bathroom - and when you left - I went in and counted them - and 3 were gone. STEALING from a friend? I NEVER stole a thing from you - but this is how you 'understood' me? My understanding is gross disrespect from you. 

Where’s the damn apology for calling my job? Never mind, I don’t need it nor want it. Your lies didn’t work. Just like it didn’t work when Joan pulled that crap. And now that I’m retired - I’ve taken away your plaything.

And now - take heed of this: LEAVE ME ALONE. I do not want now or in the future - you in my life.

AND if John or I should go before you do - instructions have been told to various members of my family - that if you or her show up at the funeral home -- both of you will be escorted OUT.

You called me up the evening of his heart surgery, boo-hooing - “I didn’t know how much John meant to me until this afternoon.” Yet 9 years later, you’re writing shit on facebook, calling him a ‘broke-ass man’ who lives in the deep ghetto.

And don't bother trying to press charges on me - cos you're going to look awful silly - you managed to get a restraining order against someone, then turn around and contact them on Instagram. I have a printout and screen shot of your contact of me on Instagram - and those will be shown to the proper authorities if needs be.

Besides, this post is not to harass you - but to answer YOUR summons - and to explain fully - once and for all -  why we will NEVER be friends again. I do not trust you. 

Please - LEAVE ME ALONE. If you are having guilt feelings, or 'missing me' - that is for you to resolve. I can not help you. I do not WANT to help you. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Ruth and Francine NEVER again. YOU destroyed a near 30 year friendship with your booze, your drugs, your selfishness. fuck off.

for more on this topic, see the following posts - click on the titles.

I deserve good company -- narcissists, users and abusers, troublemakers, people who thrive on chaos and drama - are not welcome in my life. March 21, 2022

I used to 'accept' things that I couldn't change. Or rather I used to think I COULDN'T change things. March 16, 2022

I have peace - why would I want a disruptive person in my life again? March 15, 2022 

About the recent coward comments I received on this blog.

No comments will be accepted that do not have names attached to them. If you can't put your name to what you say -- why should I post them, let alone read them? Comments show up in my email. If I see at the beginning of the email "Comment by 'unknown' -- I simply check off the box 'delete' and it's done. The body of the comment isn't even read. Don't like that? Too bad. I am under NO obligation to read or publish anything. 

I did read the first cowardly comment that I received yesterday, and answered it in this post:

An attack by a COWARD -- trying to tell me that I'm a liar.

https://ladymoondancersrealm.blogspot.com/2019/08/an-attack-by-coward-trying-to-tell-me.html

After I composed and posted that, I went back to my email, deleted that abusive comment, and deleted a second comment that they wrote -- and it was deleted UNREAD. And a third one, signed "Typical" was deleted, UNREAD. Again, I am under NO obligation to read or publish crap sent to me.

If you believe your words, if you are passionate about what you have to say, your position on something, there is no need to hide. If you lack the courage to speak plainly and intelligently don't even waste my time. Because you've already made up your mind and I've heard it all before. From angry adoptees who want to shove their opinions down mine and everyone else's throats. With no thought of all of any kind of debate. With TYPICAL 'angry adoptees' it's 'their way or no way.' -- And I'm not even talking about the whys or causes or abuses of the institution of adoption. I am well aware of legitimate concerns of adoptees, their separation from their birth family, loss of identity, falsified birth certificates, etc. This blog has nothing to do with any of that. And don't even bother to lecture me to 'get educated.' I did all that - I researched it, I got educated way back in the 70's.

Any person coming here to lecture me about my relationship with Joan/Doris and to leave abusive comments are only proving my point in post "https://ladymoondancersrealm.blogspot.com/2019/08/suffering-from-post-adoption-wounds.html" wherein I say: "Someone lies to you, steals from you - you have every right to tell that person to go away -- but, some adoptees think you have to put up with that crap. Simply because they were 'adopted' as if it's some kind of badge. "Here, I got this 'adoptee badge' that gives me the right to walk all over you." Oh hell no baby. You lie to me, steal from me, treat me like crap -- I don't give a shit if you're adopted or not, you will be served your walking papers. Being an adoptee and having 'wounds' does not give one the right to step on and abuse other people."

I always got a laugh at the hypocrisy of these TYPICAL 'angry adoptees' when I would read their blogs, comments, on the internet about them standing up for themselves and not allowing anyone to abuse them. But they reserve the right to abuse others, and seem to feel that others MUST take that abuse simply because the abuser IS an adoptee.

If I were to make a blogpost about a person who is not related to me, let's call her 'Susie Smith.' Susie is an acquaintance, and comes to my house with a friend of mine. Susie goes to my bathroom and steals some of my makeup. Then a few days later she is telling people crap about me. I have every right to call Susie out on her abusive behavior -- and people would applaud me for it. "Way to go Ruth, don't take crap from her. Don't allow anyone to walk over you."

Now let's change the scenario. Susie is actually my birth sister, who was adopted out of our family, but we were reunited and she was welcomed by me with open arms and heart. And Susie goes into my bathroom and steals some makeup and then goes around talking shit about me. According to these TYPICAL 'angry adoptees' things have changed. I'm now supposed to shut my mouth and accept this person walking all over me. Not a chance baby. -- and if you are coming to this blog with that kind of crap in your head -- you've proven my point that I put forth in my blog post. And no amount of arguing with me is going to make me accept someone treating me like a doormat. I will NOT allow Joan/Doris to treat me like a doormat, simply because she was adopted, and I will NOT allow people coming to this blog and writing idiotic comments to treat me like a doormat. Don't like that? Too bad. Go Away if you don't like what's written here.

Abusers are just as good at grooming allies as they are at grooming victims

This meme came across my facebook  - I experienced this on my old blog, and now today with the attacking comments from someone who was too cowardly to even leave their name.

Yes, I was harassed and abused by Joan Wheeler/Doris Sippel -- and she is very clever and manipulative in twisting things around and making her adoptee buddies and others believe that she was the victim.

My old blog was attacked one day in February 2010 -- because Joan/Doris told them to spam my blog. In one day, I got around 120 hits, and several spam comments, some with obscene language. And I mean really repulsive obscene language.

Now I have sworn on this blog and on my old blog -- but I have that right. Because it's MY blog. But when someone comes and says "You're a fucking whore." on a comment to a blog post -- well, who's the abuser? Me, who wrote a blog post, or someone just spouting insults. Just like the cowardly person who left a comment today calling me a liar.

On my old blog, I called such 'allies' of Joan's 'puppets.' Because that's just what they are: Puppets. They do Joan/Doris' bidding. They have no brains of their own. One such puppet was a boyfriend of Joan/Doris, leaving comments as "Champ" -- get it? - Joan/Doris' Champion??? lol

He proceeded to tell me of my character faults -- and brought up a fight I had with an Arab lady whose name started with 'S.' -- now keep in mind, I never met this Champ face-to-face, never spoke to him face-to-face in real life or online -- but he's throwing in my face a fight I had with S. A. This was in 2011 and 2012 that's he yakking about the fight. 

Folks, that fight occurred in September 1979.

Now how did Champ find out about a fight I had in Lackwanna, NY in 1979? S.A. didn't tell him - she moved out of state 30 years ago. And besides, in 1984, we had sat down and hashed out our grievances. In 1985, she was so sweet -- she sent me a card when I was in the hospital when I had a miscarriage. When I got home, she called me, offering to send home-cooked meals in tupperwares for me.

So who told Champ about the fight of 1979? -- Joan/Doris did. And she groomed him into trying to abuse me. She groomed him to be her puppet. And puppet that he was, he listened to 35 year old gossip - simply because his Puppet Master, Joan/Doris filled his head up with shit.

Champ, who finally revealed himself to be one Brian M. left a comment saying he was going to reveal to the world my deep dark secret. Hmmm.

So I answered him that I do not respond to emotional or any kind of blackmail and that he should go ahead and reveal it. BUT the Buffalo Police and the Erie County District Attorney would be very interested in why a man who never met me, never spoke to me, is going to reveal my 'deep dark secret'  -- I was also in the middle of an harassment case in court against Joan/Doris for her call to my job in 2012 with a lie trying to get me fired. I immediately went downtown and showed the screenshots of Champ/Brian's threat and wanted to add him to the harassment case because he was acting on Joan/Doris' behalf.

In court, Joan/Doris denied she said anything to Champ/Brian. (yeah, right). She threw her puppet under the bus. The charges of harassment were dismissed, because even though Joan/Doris admitted on the stand that she called my job AND bragged about it on Huffington Post (because my lawyer presented the screenshot of it) -- I hadn't suffered anything on my job. My employers did investigate me (without my knowing it) for a few months in late 2012. The first I heard about it was mid-January 2013 -- they did not want to tell me about it because they didn't want my holidays to be ruined.  I did go to a meeting in Human Resources, where they told me of the phone calls they received by Joan/Doris and her accusations, and they said they investigated me (because that was necessary), but they exonerated me -- they found NO impropriety in my behavior, computer usage, or job performance.

As for that puppet Champ/Brian -- I never heard another word from him. He found out that I don't play, and Joan/Doris threw him under the bus.

And I still haven't a clue as to what my 'deep dark secret' is. lol
Puppets are just that - PUPPETS. Joan/Doris loves her puppets. Until the shit hits the fan and then she dumps them.

Joan/Doris is an awful lot like Trump in that.