just some memes pertaining to how I feel and think about the exBFF

 

When a narcissist realizes they have lost control over you - how the exBFF reacted when I told her to go away

This meme is absolutely true. Why do I agree with it? Well, I have to lay out a timeline of a events first. 

In 2005, after I hand-delivered her to detox (at her request), she did go into counseling. She asked for some space, which I gave her. She called me several weeks later to tell me of the progress she was making in counseling. Telling me things she learned, then proceeded to apply what she learned to me. By that I mean, she started psycho-analyzing me, telling me of my faults and why I was faulted. (my love of chocolate).That did not sit well with me. I am a grown woman and can (and have in the past) recognized when I need help.

She also called me one day, drunk, talking nonsense. I was livid. When I took her to counseling, I had actually stayed at her house the night before and was with her most of the next day. I had called in sick to my job that night, and now I was going without sleep (I worked the night shift). I used up MY sick time, and almost 24 hours of MY time to help her, and now, after counseling, she's drunk and high again. I gave up. So I didn't return any of her phone calls.

I ran into her at a store in September 2010, and I went to her house and had a good talk with her. She told me she recognized how she had driven away her friends with her substance abuse and wanted to fix things. 

But just 2 months later -- I was on a three-way email conversation with my two older sisters. A question had come up about social services and we were unclear about the difference between Social Security Supplemental Income and Social Security Disability and Social Services (welfare, food stamps etc). I said, "you know who might know, would be K. (my niece) and F. (the exBFF). (because both had been on 'welfare' in the past. It was not a condemnation of either of them, simply a matter that since they had been on welfare, they know the what the terms mean. So I forwarded the email exchanged to both.

F. the exBFF fired off a nasty email to me - she was insulted! She said she was not a welfare queen and lived a good life (in public housing with rental assistance, which is a form of social help, so...?) 

I emailed her back, I told her she was over-reacting, I included her in the now 5 way email exchange because I thought of her as 'family' - but now I was done with her. She had also expressed anger because I had removed her from my facebook. - yes, I did, because when I got her email, I said to myself, "this isn't going to work. I've reunited with her for 2 months, and here we go again." I explained why I removed her from my facebook and told her I wanted nothing to do with her. 

Two months later, in January 2011, the day after my father's funeral, she called me on the phone to 'express sympathy.' She read about it in the newspaper. I did not call her to tell her about it - because at the time, I had cut her out of my life.

On the phone, she started yelling, and trashed my father. THE DAY AFTER WE BURIED HIM, SHE'S TRASHING HIM! I hung up. 

My memory is unclear if she tried to call me during 2011 - I was grieving and going through other things. But (and I don't recall the date right now, but it was around October 2011) that my phone rang one Saturday night about midnight. I was off from work and working on my computer - I checked my caller ID - it was F. I didn't pick up the phone - and she began recording her message - she was angry. "Why'd you take me off your facebook?" - um, 1. I'm a grown woman, I will remove someone from my facebook any damn time I please. 2. We already discussed this in the email exchange in November 2010. I did not pick up the phone, and she called 5 more times. 

But what I did was to change the 'greeting' on my answering machine - leaving her a message and I told her to stop calling me, I will report her to the phone company. And to leave me alone. 

The following day, Sunday, she called my job and finagled her way into finding out my immediate supervisor's name. AND CALLED THAT SUPERVISOR THE FOLLOWING DAY! (Monday). And reported that I was accessing her medical records on hospital computers. Trying to get me fired. I was investigated and found innocent. (they can track every keystroke I did). Meanwhile I called the phone company, reported her and changed my phone number. 

So to quote the meme: THE NARCISSIST FEELS ANGER BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TO SET A BOUNDARY. 

Read the meme - read it very carefully - because that is EXACTLY what she did. I refused to pick up the phone, I left her a message telling me to leave me alone and I was reporting her to the phone company - so she retaliated. 

After I found out she called my job, I sent her a letter of intervention, and no contact. I told her point blank why I felt the way I did, that she needed to fix her life and leave me alone. I listed her weak points and told her to get back into counseling. She needed to work on herself and stop bothering me. I did what a true friend does - she engages in certain behaviors that are harmful to herself and well-being. And I listed them and why they were harmful to her. She couldn't handle it. She says she 'gets offended very easily.' Oh, but she can call ME and list MY faults and tell me that I have an addiction (chocolate). Sorry toots, my love of chocolate does not end up with me in fist fights. While her behaviors did. 

Well, she went full-out-of-control and filed harassment charges on me. We ended up in court, where while we were waiting for the judge to arrive, she was yelling at the DA assistant handling her case. (she had left a nasty message on facebook, and when I responded, she tried to tell the DA that I had contacted her). I heard the DA tell her loudly "SHE DID NOT CONTACT YOU." She was yelling, the bailiff told her to leave. As she walked past me where I sat nearest the aisle, she said to me in a very low voice "I will beat your ass." I immediately raised my hand to the bailiff and said loudly "Excuse me, she just threatened me."

The bailiffs jumped into action, she started running out of the courtroom, they got her by the door and she started yelling. It was a circus. She was OUT OF CONTROL! They actually put her in a separate room down the hall. But she could be heard screaming all over the place. (I’m surprised she didn’t bust a blood vessel). 

A few minutes later, my lawyer arrived. He said he heard the yelling as he got off the elevator. She did not appear in the court room again. She was told to stay home for my next appearance, where the asshole judge, a known sympathizer to substance abusers, sentenced me to a one year restraining order against F. 

It was unfair. However, I didn't care. It meant that I finally got her out of my life - because if I couldn't contact her, she couldn't contact me either. Well, actually she was not prevented from contacting me, but she would look awfully stupid if she did). So thank you anyway judge - You did what I could not - GOT HER OUT OF MY LIFE. For 7 years - since 2005, (except for the 2 months in 2010) I wanted her GONE. And now - she was. 

And with her latest contact to me - in March of 2022 - her contacting me on Instagram that she wants to be my friend again 10 years after the crap she did to me -- I told her in no uncertain terms NO. she had given me her phone number on instagram - which I called and left her a voice mail. 

I reminded her - that she got a restraining order against me 10 years ago - and she contacted me this time. I told her - "don't try to file charges on me again - YOU contacted me. And you're going to look awfully silly in the DA's office - you got a restraining order on someone, and now YOU'RE contacting them?" 

So well, yeah, she IS powerless over me now. I HAVE THE POWER NOW.

Is she feeling anger? Shame? Worthless? Powerless? I don't know. I don't care.

Whatever the fuck she's feeling - it's not my concern. She is dead to me. Fuck her.

 

On the subject of “amateur psychoanalysis”

 

A facebook acquaintance wrote the following:

"Several decades ago, I learned very quickly that amateur psychoanalysis was one of the single-stupidest ways to interact with anyone.

Nobody likes it. I don't. I don't know anybody who does. It's a violation of personal space. And it's about as useful as a burlap condom. It doesn't work. It doesn't produce any useful result -- only annoyance, anger, and confusion.

First of all, most people are simply NOT QUALIFIED to engage in that kind of psychobabble bullshit. You learn a few terms, it still doesn't make you a master in the field."

I was reminded of an unsettling experience I had with the exBFF back in 2005. 

'amateur psychoanalysis' - I think we've all done it to some degree to try to explain other people's behavior. I think a lot of us have done that the past few years - trying to understand why the Mango Manbaby is the way he is (narcissism), and to try to understand society's woes (racism, violence, etc). 

But when it comes to being an 'armchair psychoanalyst' to others and then vocalizing your 'results' to their face - that's a definite no-no. It's even worse when you do it to someone you know, and worse still, when you do it to a friend. 

Back in 2005 I was finally able to get the exBFF into detox (at her request, then her balking against it). She began going to counseling. I told her she was doing the right thing. She requested some 'space' so she could digest what she was learning. I understood and gave her that space. 

She called me up a few weeks later to tell me of her progress. She starts telling me what she learned about addiction - then proceeded to tell me that I too was suffering from addiction. Actually, she said that everyone suffers from some sort of addiction - smoking, overeating, etc. Then she told me my love of sweets was my addiction.

I immediately starting feeling uneasy. The next few minutes, she proceeded to psychoanalyze me, and my love of Reese Cups. My uneasiness grew to anger. I felt insulted.

I'm a grown woman. At that time (2005), I was still gainfully employed. (I was employed continuously from 1971 to 2015 - when I retired with a damn good pension). In 2005, I was making mortgage payments (mortgage paid off entirely in 2022) and the upkeep of the house (with my husband). I had gained weight, yes - but it was due to the onset of menopause, not because I stuffed myself with Reese Cups everyday. 

There were times in my adult life, I recognized the need for myself to seek counseling, which I did. I have also read many 'self-help' books, and even a couple of psychology books. I had an unsettled childhood, I know some of that has manifested into what 'makes me tick' as an adult. 

What I didn't need back in 2005, nor do I need now - is someone who is going to counseling, taking what they learn in the afternoons, going home in the evenings, and instead of applying it to themselves, apply it to other people - or ME.

If I want to know why I like to eat a Reese Cup, I am quite capable of doing it on my own. 

ps. My 'addiction' to Reese Cups (or KlonDike bars) has never spurred me onto to stealing from my friends, or engaging in anti-social behavior.
And any psycho-analyzing I've done on Joan/Doris is justified because of the way she slandered me in her book, her blog, and various places on the internet. If she didn't want me to 'armchair psychoanalyze' her, she should have left me alone.